posts by jay
jay

What is a man?

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Andre Malraux was a French author who lived and died in the 20th century. He has many books and other things to his name and if I knew anything about him beyond what it says on his Wikipedia page you can be sure you’d be damned impressed.

Gamers know him from a line from Symphony of the Night:“What is man? A miserable little pile of secrets.” Or they know him because they’re European and have actually been educated.

This quote is mocked daily on game forums. It doesn’t suddenly become better or worse because someone famous wrote it, but gamers should realize that it wasn’t written by Konami’s localization team.

Do people already know this? Is it an elaborate “Malraux is an overrated writer and his work translated into English is laughable” movement amongst gamers? →  Readout 3: Takedown

Weekly News We Care About Wrap Up – 11.30.07

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Gamespot editor allegedly fired for giving a bad review
Jeff Gerstmann was supposedly let go because he gave Kane and Lynch a mediocre review (recent updates indicate the firing was a culmination of multiple reviews that angered sponsors). The story goes, Eidos was paying CNET a ton of cash to promote the title and threatened to pull future ads because of the review. It’s true that when this story broke yesterday, the Gamespot site was covered head to toe in stupid K&L ads. The people who say the firing happened because of the review range from Penny Arcade (who confirm the comic isn’t simply a joke in their forum), to a freelance Gamespot writer (who gave Shenmue a bad review…breath in…), to mods in the Gamespot forum who said things like – if we tell you what happened we will be fired, and don’t blame us, it’s all CNETs fault. →  Ask not for whom the game plays, it plays for thee.

Destructoid – Johhny Rotten isn’t a GH3 fan

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Johnny Rotten hates Guitar Hero 3!!!! It’s all right here in this article!

Except he doesn’t say he hates it, he says he loves it. Then he says it doesn’t teach you how to be a rockstar and thats a GOOD thing because pursuing fame and fortune is stupid. Punk rock is not exactly about the bling.

So why does Destructoid have the story entirely wrong? Because they, like many other internet journalists, get their news stories from internet forums, namely NeoGAF. The problem with this is two fold. First there is the standard who is the source, how reliable are they, blah blah blah stuff. Then there is the equally important reading comprehension, and required will power to read the second post of a thread you are using as a news source. →  [send private information]

Review – Etrian Odyssey

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There is nothing more depressing than wasted potential, and, somewhat ironically, nothing more pleasurable than wasting potential. As I lay on my couch playing Etrian Odyssey instead of washing the dishes, helping the homeless or learning to read, my mind struggled to cope with conflicting emotions. I was enjoying that I was wasting my time, but not enjoying the time wasted. Is it hypocritical to be upset that Atlus squandered this game’s potential?
F.O.E.s are rendered in stunningly accurate orange blobs.

Etrian Odyssey starts off nice and difficult. I died on the first level and there’s a good chance you will, too. This high difficulty forces the player to engage in some old school level grinding, but I’ve always welcomed work in my time wasting, as long as society doesn’t benefit in any way. →  Devil May Read 2

Mario doesn’t matter

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I’ve been avoiding screens and videos of Mario Galaxy because I want to experience it all for the first time when I am actually playing, not drunkenly browsing the web. Still, I can’t help but read as much as possible about the game and cross my fingers I don’t see too many spoilers (though I did see a huge one – whoever it was who first mentioned that thing with the guy and the thing, you know what I’m talking about, please leave the internet).

Many conversations on the game and Nintendo design in general have gravitated towards arguments over the foolishness of bleeding an IP dry. Hold on, let me get into my Nintendo Defense Force Costume…

Miyamoto has said time and again that he only creates new characters when old ones would not fit with his new gameplay ideas. →  You do not simply walk into reading more.

Other sites’ minor offenses

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In my never ending mission to find things to complain about, I frequently stumble upon poorly phrased passages in competitors articles (by competitors I mean real web sites). Here are two stupid things I found recently:

Joystiq calls Alien Soldier “filler.”
Or maybe it’s a highly respected game from a hugely talented developer that never made it to American shores.

In the wake of the release of Super Mario 3, many have overlooked Treasure’s cult classic Alien Soldier. This has happened before – Super Metroid overshadowed Shinobi 3, despite both being awesome. The strength of the Virtual Console lies in its ability to offer us access to excellent games we missed, or hard to find classics. While it’s true that the first thing I did when I got home yesterday was download Mario 3, it and games like it that have been released 17 separate times aren’t what makes the VC so sweet. →  Read Band 2

Weekly News We Care About Wrap Up – 10.26.07

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Skies 2 on Wii?
This may be old, but it’s too amazing to not mention. EGM reported a rumor that Skies of Arcadia 2 is in development for the Wii.

An interview with Will Wright
Will Wright may be a genius. His games are all brilliant, despite always leaving me feeling empty and suicidal. When he speaks, people listen. And then complain if he offended their company loyalties.

Will thinks the Wii is the only next gen console. It’s noble of him to defend ingenuity but I think the higher ground is to simply dismiss next gen chest thumping entirely. In my experience, generations are measured in time and progeny, not progress. My father does not consider me to be in his generation simply because I am as slow, weak and annoying as he. →  Densha de Read! Shinkansen

Review hegemony

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Gamers expect very specific review scores for certain games. When Twilight Princess got an 8.6 the internet almost self destructed. Recently, Ratchet and Clank got a 7.5. People are in an uproar over a game they have never played. It’s a triple A title and deserves a triple A score seems to be the prevailing wisdom.

There are a few ways to look at this phenomenon. The first and plainly stupid view is that reviewers are doing their job poorly or are biased. I believe money has changed hands for good reviews but have a tough time swallowing that Microsoft payed for R&C to get a low score. The next and significantly more rational perspective is that the people complaining are actually in the minority. These people are also 14 year old fanboys with a first grade understanding of the English language. →  All happy games are alike; each unhappy game is unhappy in its own way.

Nintendo – update your stupid console

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I have curly red hair. Why does Nintendo hate me? How difficult would it be for them to add some new hair colors and styles to the Mii options? Their lack of effort is either indicative of laziness or deep seated hatred for non-Japanese people and frankly, either of those is culturally insensitive (particularly the latter) and pisses me off.

Also, stop allowing for such asinine polls. Neither black cats nor ladders have control over human affairs and anyone who says otherwise is an inbred peasant, or perhaps retarded Japanese farmer (just trying to even the score here). Though it may stretch the very boundaries of what human beings are capable of, please give us polls with three or dare I say four possible answers. This way you can continue asking questions like “Which day is longer, Tuesday or Thursday?” →  Apply directly to the forehead.

NPD Schadenfreude

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I’m a small, petty man, but maybe you are small and petty, too. If so, you may enjoy these comedic comments from a popular PS3 forum. The context is the following – Halo 3 sold 3.3 million copies in less than two weeks, MS sold 527k 360s, Nintendo 501k Wiis, and Sony 117k PS3s.

“this is just an example of what the media can do to a console. ps3 was just released in the wrong world.”

“And why would any one expect Heavenly Sword to see better then it did it has no advertisement at all and there are only 6 million ps3s out as of now so if you compare that to halo selling 3.3 million of 360 with 10 million units old then its allot closer then it looks.” →  Speak softly and carry a big post.

Weekly News We Care About Wrap Up – 10.5.07

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Dream team created to make MMO
One of the three guys behind Fallout and 17 ex-Blizzard guys all in one development team? You know these are going to be amazingly well crafted fetch quests that change absolutely nothing in a static MMO world. And think of the grinding!

Halo 3 is the biggest event in human history
The release of Halo 3 makes John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald look like footnotes in history. The moon landing is dwarfed by Bungie’s newest game, which sold approximately thirty thousand times more than any other product ever created. There are now significantly more copies of Halo 3 than wheels, and just about the same number of grains of sand.

This game topped the charts in Japan last week, proving that in a tepid market environment an American game can actually sell well in the East. →  Your right post comes off?

Review – Rune Factory

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Game flow usually follows a straightforward path. In any Zelda game, you adventure, find items, speak to an odd character like Tingle, then adventure some more. The adventuring itself is compelling because it is great fun and the items you receive for adventuring often add a new play mechanic and unlock new areas for adventuring — it’s a very simple loop that has worked well for 20 years.

A game like The Sims is significantly more complex but the game flow is still easy to understand. The players micromanage their Sims in order to gain skills and keep their various meters high. In turn, they are rewarded with job promotions because they are skilled, socially relevant, and come to work with full stomachs and empty bladders. With the promotion money, players extend their homes, plant bushes and buy new furniture and electronics. →  Jet fuel can’t melt videolamer.

I hate Halo and I hate Final Fantasy

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Not because I’m one of those rebellious gamers who thinks hating popular franchises is cool (though it is cool, you should try it), and not because Halo and Final Fantasy games are bad. I hate mega-popular franchises because gamers love them too much.

Every copy of Halo 3 sold tells Microsoft they should pay for a dozen more “I’m a big guy with a big gun and I plan on shooting you in the face, also there are aliens or Germans” games for the 360. Every copy of Final Fantasy Crisis Core sold sends the message to Square that they are right to limit original output and they should in fact support their enormous company by releasing 4,000 titles in the same series (or two).

Really I’m not mad at these games at all, but rather I’m mad at gamers. →  Illiterates hate her! Click to read this one weird trick.

Weekly News We Care About Wrap Up – 9.21.07

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PSP outsells DS in Japan
Square’s Final Fantasy VII spin off for the PSP, Crisis Core, sold half a million copies last week. It also sold PSPs. Possibly not all of the 95 thousand Sony sold in the week, but likely around 80 thousand, which is how many more units were sold than the previous week. Sony’s business strategy should be clear – simply release a spinoff of one of the most beloved games of all time once a week and the PSP will handily outsell the DS in Japan 1.2 to 1.

Or, to quote someone from a forum I read:
“If DS stopped selling and PSP continued at this rate, it would catch up in 139.7 weeks (May 21, 2010).”

Does anyone else feel nauseous?

Home delayed till Spring
Good for Sony. →  Hell is other gamers.

Dreamcast Mania! – Canceled games: Forever Denied

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Over the last few weeks I wrote about two categories of canceled Dreamcast games, those that were PC ports trying to eke out a living on Sega’s machine and those that quickly found a new home on a competing console. In the final installment of this series I take a look at the most tragic of canceled games – games that gamers never got a chance to play.

Castlevania Resurrection

What was it?
This game was slated to be the third 3D Castlevania and star Sonia and Victor Belmont. The plot line was the standard Dracula-has-returned nonsense; if you’re one of the 36 people on earth who care about the story arcs in Castlevania, please let me know, it would be an honor to meet you. More importantly, Sonia was set to sport a very short skirt and wield a whip. →  It might come in handy if you, the master of reading, take it with you.

Do bad games get better as they drop in price?

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Game Revolution gave Excite Truck a C, partly because it wasn’t worth 50 bucks. Does this mean that when the game sells for $20 they will change the review score to a B?

Factoring cost into a game’s review has always been something I try to avoid. It is very difficult to do. As much as I pretend games should be considered as stand-alone pieces of art and should not be compared to other things you could do with the money, this is at least partially idealistic bullshit. If a crappy $10 downloadable game is a waste of time, maybe it wouldn’t be at $1, and part of the reason it’s a waste of time is because an episode of Sam & Max is only $8. Clearly, on at least some level, it makes sense to consider the cost of a game when deciding whether you should recommend it to potential buyers. →  They’re reading her… and then they’re going to read me!

Weekly News We Care About Wrap Up – 9.7.07

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Molyneux takes a shocking stand – his company is more influential than its competitor
In a recent interview, designer Peter Molyneux said that Microsoft’s Live will be more impactful than the Wii remote. Molyneux was clearly kidding – would anyone use the non-word “impactful” in a serious statement?

Pretend he was serious. Is Live more influential than motion sensing controls? This is not easy to answer, partly because it’s comparing apples to gypsies, partly because the Wii is very young and partly because in some form, both things being compared have already existed for years. At its base level, Live is the internet. Should we thank Al Gore for being more impactful on games than Microsoft? If that’s too far a leap, what about X-Band on the Genesis or SNES? Surely Seganet was impactful as all get out. →  Ba da bam ba baa I’m readin’ it.

Weekly News We Care About Wrap Up – 8.31.07

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Nintendo stops whoring out Metroid, or at least Retro stops
Please, let Retro make a game it wants to make. I know you own them and want to assign them to a franchise because franchises make all the bling, but it’s really not in your (my) best interest. You have no “mature” themed franchises left, unless you’re giving them the next console Zelda. An excellent developer like Retro also deserves to be rewarded – let them design a game from the ground up. It could be dark, with nudity and blood everywhere. Perhaps bloody nipples. You know, mature.

You would get what you need out of them – an awesome title for the older gamer who is too insecure to play something cute and candy colored. Retro would get what (I assume) they want – the chance to make a game without being assigned 75% of the design. →  Ba da bam ba baa I’m readin’ it.

Dreamcast Mania! – Canceled games: Came out on other consoles

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Finally, the much requested follow up to the canceled Dreamcast games deal I wrote a few weeks ago. For those who missed the first, I am taking a look at games that were slated to be released for Sega’s last system that got the axe for one reason or another (well, probably for the very specific reason that the console was discontinued). Special thanks to Christian for handling a few of these. Even I get tired of making stuff up about games I’ve never heard of.

Super Monkey Ball
What was it?
The first game in the best monkey based Marble Madness clone series.

Would it have been good?
The game didn’t rely on great graphics and the Cube version was indeed fun. It would have been an excellent Dreamcast game. →  Gotta get down on Friday.