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Plastic falling out of a shirt
A booth babe working hard to make this loser believe she gives a shit about posing with him.

This year the Nazis at E3 have decided on a new rule for booth babes. "Material, including live models, conduct that is sexually explicit and/or sexually provocative, including but not limited to nudity, partial nudity and bathing suit bottoms, are prohibited [at] the Show." This means that if there even are booth babes at E3, they will be dressed like your mom (no, not your mom, Billy) and not like the beautiful objects they know themselves to be.

These women, these booth babes, are role models for young girls who dream of making it into an industry dominated by men. Even feminists applauded the booth babes’ efforts to shatter the glass ceiling with their large, fake breasts, and feminists hate everything. But these women can always get a job at Hooters, the real victims of this tragedy are two more important section of society: men and children.

I won’t be able to attend this years E3 (prior engagement) and quite frankly, I think it’s better this way. I would not be able to witness the sad stares of businessmen searching for bought affection, only to find the empty gazes of other horny businessmen, without weeping uncontrollably. These poor men suffer every day of their lives in the dreary industry of video game creation and now we have taken away their one ray of sunshine a year. E3 is not a fun event. It is a serious trade show and the women were the only thing there to lighten the burden these men carry.

Zzzzzzzzz
With no women in sight, this place becomes a total snooze fest.

And won’t someone please think of the children. Without slutty booth babes, what will they aspire to? Without booth babes trashily displaying their chests, will the industry phase sexuality out completely? Will Team Ninja have to spend the hours usually assigned to perfecting their breast bouncing engine for each new Dead or Alive on something else, like making the game as good as its rivals?

I, for one, certainly hope not. I do not want to live in a world where my children cannot get a job at video game tech shows where they pretend to be sexually interested in men they would never speak to. No one, whether it be our children or men, should be forced to live in a world where volleyball has any significance as a sport other than how endowed the players are.

Please join me in writing your Congressman. Tell them you support tits in tech and if they’re real Americans, they will, too.

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