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Post PlayStation 2: Choose your own adventure!

posted on December 10th, 2009 by cunzy1 1

You are in an excellent position as the market leader in the gaming industry. The PlayStation 2 went from strength to strength and, with few exceptions from the enemy, had some of the best games ever created. Nintendo have frankly just given up on the Gamecube and the Xbox is really heavy. With a huge installed base and the future looking bright what do you do next?

There’s only one thing for it! Make the PlayStation 3. Go to 1
We’ve only just seen the true power of the PlayStation 2 with, of all things a Gamecube port. Let’s stick with it for a while. Go to 2

1) A good idea but disaster! Microsoft have announced a successor to the Xbox and it looks like they will get it to market before you. Do you:

– Fuck it. Hype the shit out a machine we haven’t thought about yet. Ours has got 14 USB ports and can link to up to 13 controllers. There are also five different versions. Go to 3
– Just play our cards close to our chest. We don’t want to make promises we’ll have to go back on later. Go to 4

2) Disaster. You forgot how fickle gamers are. Within two weeks the PlayStation 2 is mocked by gamers around the globe as being too old, too fuddy duddy and too stuck in the past. Your paymasters are displeased. This ends the existence of the PlayStation brand which is now consigned to the grave alongside the Dreamcast. Which could at least do online gaming properly. You get demoted and spend the rest of your days at Sony packing TVs in boxes. GAME OVER

3) It’s working. Microsoft have brought their console to market but let the slander war continue! The tech guys are complaining that backwards compatability is going to be a pain so we’ll slowly phase it out without bringing too much attention to it. But even the USB claims and the controller thing doesn’t seem to be doing it. Do you:

– Take it slowly. We don’t want to end up making a huge loss on every console or be charging extortionate amounts for the console when it comes to market. Go to 5
– Announce Tekken 6 as a launch title and get rid of Dualshock. Go to 6

4) Disaster. Everybody in the forums is saying Sony doesn’t have anything in the pipeworks and is struggling to compete with the Xbox 360 and Nintendo’s bizarre thing. Everybody knows that bad press in the forums leads to shares plummeting and sure enough shareholders are asking for your head. So much for not lying to the consumer. You get demoted and spend the rest of your days at Sony fixing faulty PSPs. GAME OVER

5) Disaster. Everybody in the forums is saying Sony doesn’t have anything in the pipe works and is struggling to compete with the Xbox 360 and Nintendo’s bizarre thing. Everybody knows that bad press in the forums leads to shares plummeting and sure enough shareholders are asking for your head. So much for not lying to the consumer. You get demoted and spend the rest of your days at Sony fixing faulty PSPs. GAME OVER

6) Exclusive titles like Tekken 6 and umm…Haze really get the remaining fanboys on your side. Everybody hates the dual shock thing. Worse than the boomerang idea. But then they haven’t played Lair yet. However, the cost of the new consoles are mounting. We need to get it to market. Do you:

– Launch with half the features you promised and charge $600 for it. Offer a cheaper version with less memory. No, offer thousands of different versions. With so many versions nobody will work out that half of them don’t work. Point out that this is still $200 less than a Sony Blu-ray player. Go to 7
– Okay, stay on track but lets get a solid software line up for when we eventually ship. Go to 8

7) Success. The little shit eaters can’t get enough of it. Some minor complaints about the cost, Sixaxis, the confusion about the different versions and the lack of Home. Where is Tekken 6? It’s a shame about backwards compatability but look at the graphics of those old games. What a joke. Fortunately the Gamecube in a white box and the RROD is making this look less bad than it is. Next step:

– Let’s crank out those games people. We’ll show people the power of the PlayStation. Go to 9
– We should probably think about more versions of the console. How about a white one? Or perhaps a slimline version? Never too soon for a slimline version. Go to 10

8 ) Disaster. New generations of gamers are born that don’t even remember the PlayStation 2. The brand is totally forgotten by all mankind and the Wii, Xbox 360 and Dreamcast 2 lead the future of gaming. You get demoted and spend the rest of your days installing spyware on Vaios. GAME OVER

9) Disaster. People don’t want games, people want an all round multimedia entertainment system. Blu-ray loses the format war and even the Singstar people defect to Microsoft. People abandon the PSP when they learn they can watch Southpark episodes on other gadgets. GAME OVER

10) Look at them go. They can’t buy enough; there are now people who own three PlayStation 3s and at least two PSPs. And the hardware sales aren’t looking so desperate anymore. The reinvention of dualshock was an amazing idea. Did you ever play Lair? What a joke. Cancel backwards compatability, we’ll just sell them back games they already own through the shop. What next:

– Okay, we should probably release some games now. This is getting silly. Go to 11
– Let’s just rely on Capcom, Home (finally) and Little Big Planet to win back hearts and minds. Go to 12

11) Disaster. People don’t want games, people want an all round multimedia entertainment system. Blu-ray loses the format war and even the Singstar people defect to Microsoft. People abandon the PSPSlim when they learn they can watch Deadwood episodes on other gadgets. GAME OVER

12) Brilliant! Rave reviews for LBP and we can see real potential in raping the shit out of people for LBP DLC. Home is less of a success but I think we can get away with it if we just keep it in permanent beta, yeah? Things are looking up for us:

– We need to work on some proper games. We are hemorrhaging exclusives at a rate of knots, developers are cussing the PS3 left right and centre and even the die hard fanboys are leaving in droves. Time to bring back the glory days. Go to 13
– I don’t care what the tech guys are saying we should never have got rid of Sixaxis. Quickly, get an intern to make a model of a motion controller, the PS3mote. We’re gonna win E3 hands down. Go to 14

13) Disaster. People don’t want games, people want an all round multimedia entertainment system. Blu-ray loses the format war and even the Singstar people defect to Microsoft. People abandon the PSPGo when they learn they can’t use UMDs anymore. GAME OVER

14) Congratulations! Four years, nine version of the PS3 and a Tekken 6 later you have managed to go from market leader to market almost-2nd-out-of-3-positions. Of the original promises Blu-ray and a few USB ports made it through. We’re making people buy games they already own again through the PlayStation store (there’s not much else to do really) and it is clear to everybody that the Wii and 360 are just flashes in the pans. Nobody can deny the classic status of Resistance, the Gran Turismo demo, Killzone 2 and Dark Mist. Consider this generation a resounding success gentlemen and gear up for the PlayStation 4.

2 Comments

  1. Cunzy1 1 said on December 14, 2009:

    Another great post and some interesting thoughts in the comments too!

  2. christian said on December 14, 2009:

    Somehow I lost this adventure by getting to page 15.

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