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Square Enix and the Merch

posted on August 21st, 2007 by christian

Man Square Enix, you just live to piss me off, don’t you? Apparently you’ve opened your merchandise store to the west, and rather than being a force of awesome, you’ve filled it with lousy merchandise and worthless jewelry so teenage otaku have something to go with their black nail polish.

Let’s look at the subcategories on the side navigation bar. We’ve got specific links for every Final Fantasy from 7 to 12…. oh wait. FF9 isn’t there. Sorry Zidane; guess you weren’t emo enough pal. The rest of the FF’s, as well as all of Dragon Quest are each lumped into a big series category. Just great.

I guess we can still look at what they have. Hmm. Seems the other FF’s have nothing to offer me but figurines of summons. That’s pretty lame. You don’t even have character figures?

Squaresoft, let’s stop pretending here. Final Fantasy 4 is the best thing you’ve made with that title. Do something with it.

Dragon Quest will save me. Akira Toriyama illustrations guarantee a bevy of junk.


You’ve got one page of jewelry. W. T. F. Dragon Quest merch should have at least six pages of products related to slimes. I guess being the most popular franchise in Japan means diddly squat on this side of the pond. After all, you can’t show that you’re spiritually engaged to Cloud with a DQ Prayer Ring.

Years of heritage on both sides of the company, and this is what we get. I can only hope, for their own credibility, that Squeenix updates this shop in the very near future. Does Enix really care so little about things that it allows the Square folks to run around like this? They’re like used car salesmen, replacing the used cars with anime schlock.

I want some damn slimes. Now.


  1. jay said on August 21, 2007:

    I have a metal slime toy from E3 05. You’re so totally jealous.

  2. christian said on August 21, 2007:

    You know, maybe I will plan that trip to silver spring after all. With my good friend Baseball Bat

  3. GJ said on August 21, 2007:

    Unlike Jay, I will opportunistically sell you my slime, rather than taunt you over it. How does $1,000 USD sound? The slime is very non-emo, yet cuddly. An unbeatable combination.

  4. chris said on August 21, 2007:

    Actually, one of the figurines you can get from the “other” FFs is called “Cefca Palazzo”. You know, Cefca. From that one game, Fainaru Fantashii VI… It’d be nice if they put a bit more effort into the translation bit.

    Actually, the Valkyrie Profile figurines are quite nice. I’d like to see that kind of thing from the other games… Other than those, I don’t see a whole lot here I’d consider buying even if I had the money to spare.

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