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One thing that sets my store apart from other video games retailers is our game testing stations. Each of the two stores I flutter between during the week is equipped with just about every major gaming console made in the last twenty years and we encourage people to try out the games before they take them home. This also means that when it is slow, I pretty much play any game I want. Life is good. The other night the battle of the sexes erupted at my Xbox 360 test station.

These two high school kids were playing one of the Soul Caliber games and the girl was absolutely rocking this poor guy’s newly pubescent world. You see, this naive young man confidently entered into a contest of furious button mashing with a girl that had no clue how to play the game. Little did he know that almost all women have a secret power that enables them to totally dominate their male counterparts at video games in which they haven’t the slightest inkling how to play.

This mutant ability manifests most prominently in fighting and racing games; woe is the man who thoughtlessly enters into a couple rounds of Smash Brothers with a woman who has never touched a Nintendo controller. Round after round went by and you could see the caged fury building in the young man’s face. Soon, he smacked the controller down on the stand and declared that it was time to play a few Halo 3 deathmatches to prove that his testicles were still firmly attached to his nether region. The girl said that she had only played Halo a couple of times but felt that she could probably hold her own. I had a different idea.

When the frustrated lad approached my counter and asked for Halo 3, my co-worker, Teddy and I decided that Halo would not be a sufficient test of gaming prowess and a more apt title would need to be found. The solution was simple, when battling another for gaming supremacy there can be only one suitable arena in which to demonstrate your skill, the killing fields of Katamari Damacy. Neither of our gladiators were overly familiar with the title so that evened the playing field a bit and with a measure of trepidation the young and slightly demoralized gamer lad popped Beautiful Katamari into the system.

“What the hell is this?”

“What the hell is this?”

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!”

“It’s Beautiful Katamari,” I replied.

“No, that is not what I meant. What kind of a freaking gay-ass game is this,” said the confused kid.

“That gay-ass game is one of the best franchises to hit console gaming in a long time.”

“You have got to be kidding me, this game may be one of the best games of all time if I was a fag.”

And with that comment I lost my temper a little. In a fit of verbiage, I think I said something about shanking him and jabbing him with a meat puppet if he didn’t watch his tongue and that the next time he came into the store he better be wearing armor because I was going to stick him like a pig for the insults he was hurling at one of my favorite games…and homosexuals…mostly my game. While I was half kidding, I think I may have scared the little tyke and within a couple of minutes he left the store and his ego without flexing his Halo might. The girl lingered for a while more before victoriously vacating the premises, leaving Teddy and I polishing our pimp sticks and sharpening our shivs behind the counter.

2 Comments

  1. bruce said on April 25, 2008:

    That’s pretty much true about women and their witchy game dominating ways. This is why I don’t play Worms with my wife any more.

    Good job sending the little punk back to the bowels of Live where he belongs.

  2. Golden Jew said on April 26, 2008:

    For good measure I’d also have gone and bought alcohol and/or cigarettes (and I don’t smoke) just to beat in the fact you were an adult.

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