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Last night I achieved a sales goal that I don’t think will ever be topped by another mortal.

It was a quiet evening and my boss, Jason, and I were being good little worker bees. Alphabetizing and sorting titles, rearranging aisles, trying to restructure the layout of my store so that it may actually generate a couple of bucks profit. One of our big tasks of the night had been to weed the crappy and older games from the shelves and make a bargain bin of marked down titles that was placed prominently in front of the door so would-be customers had to walk right past it. Both of us were sitting on the floor of our empty and serene establishment when the front door burst open and two police officers rushed into the building, hands on guns and tasers.

“Do you guys work here,” the senior officer barked. Jason and I looked at each other in befuddlement and answered affirmatively in unison.

“Oh. Well, we are responding to a stick up alarm that was pressed at this location. Which of you pushed the button?”

My video game store had been broken into once before, so the owners are paranoid it will happen again. Hence, they have had little red buttons installed underneath the counters in each of the two store locations just in case a gunman ever comes in and threatens our lives in exchange for Xbox games. Evidently, the doomsday button at my store had magically been pushed by midget ninjas that infiltrated our building, crept past Jason and I, depressed the red plastic circle of impending doom, and ninja’d their way back out again. Obviously, we could never tell the cops about our midget ninja problems that we have been dealing with as of late, so Jason just said that he would call the owners and let them know of the false alarm.

While Jason was on the phone, I made small talk with the cops and apologized for their having to come out to the store for nothing. The older cop said it wasn’t a big deal and was about to say something else when his blue, law-filled eyes fell upon my newly created and strategically placed bargain bin.

“Ohhh…..cheap games,” the cop exclaimed in a very Homer Simpson-sees-the-gummi-Venus de Milo fashion. He wiped the drool from his chiseled jaw and proceeded to thumb through the titles. The junior officer that had accompanied him chuckled and went to look at Playstation 3 stuff and became very excited when he found out that there was a Slipknot track on Guitar Hero 3. The cop that had been patrolling the bargain bin proclaimed happily that he had found a game he wanted and so I, being the good sales guy I am, told him that he should find one more title so that he could get a third game for free. His face lit up once more and he continued combing through the titles like a kid who had just been told he could pick one more treat from the candy aisle.

Several seconds went by and my uniformed friend was having a hard time finding the perfect second game to buy. Being a good sales guy (if I say it enough it becomes true), I stepped in and decided to help him out. I rattled off a few titles and he shook his head, saying that he either already had them or wasn’t interested. Then I found one title that I knew would be the one the cop would take home. A small smirk crept across my face.

“How about Grand Theft Auto: Vice City?”

The cop raised his head and looked at me, understanding the paradox into which I had just led him. Sheepishly he said, “Do you have it for the Playstation 2?”

And this is how I sold a GTA game to a uniformed member of my city’s finest.

For his free game, the cop took home a Vietnam first person shooter that wasn’t in our bargain bin but Jason marked it down for him anyways. After the transaction had been finalized, the cops announced that there was paperwork that should be filled out and a $25 fine that needed to be paid but they had decided not to fiddle with any of the formalities and bid us a farewell. Not only had I sold a cop Grand Theft Auto but Jason averted the fine by going out of his way to mark down a game that he really shouldn’t have and appeasing our gamer cop friends.

The rest of our night went smoothly and while I toiled with my game sorting at the front of the store, a small band of midget ninjas held their weekly Wee Warriors meeting near the small red button behind the counter.


  1. HappyDead said on April 11, 2008:

    Nice one lol

  2. Stefan said on April 11, 2008:

    Brilliant! I can’t wait for next week’s.

  3. Dan said on April 11, 2008:

    I would be even more impressed if you sold the police office Eco.

  4. Matt said on April 12, 2008:

    Can we all just assume you meant Ico, Dan?

  5. Tyson said on April 12, 2008:

    I did sell Shadow of the Colossus to a guy today. I am glad you are all liking the column so far, more fun stories and rants are planned and will be coming soon.

  6. GJ said on April 14, 2008:

    Back when I was a kid, we bribed cops with booze and drugs… damn you crazy kids with your violent videogames!

  7. fnc said on April 14, 2008:

    Well planned and well executed.

    New employee : “What happens when you press this little red button under the counter.”

    Old employee : “That’s for slow nights. When you press it cops appear and buy videogames. You must respect having this awesome power.”

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