Scholars have argued for hundreds of years over which belief system is the best and the jury is still out on the definitive answer. Is it the system with the most money? The system with the most followers? The system that fits in with current knowledge of how the universe works or is it the belief system that advocates fiddling blind kids and Africa dying from the AIDS? Sure, we’ve had global conflicts over some of these issues and even then the winner couldn’t be definitively decided. Now, however, through the invention of the Nintendo Wii, we can create the greatest match up of all time ever and finally see who is the best*.
Introducing the competitors:
Yes ladies and gentlemen here they are, four of the most influential people of all time. First up, in black, representing reason, common sense, science and the theory of evolution we have one Charles Darwin. Also in black and representing the persecution of Jews, getting away with taking over countries nobody cares about, getting fucked over in Russia, art and being on fire in a ditch, the one, the only, Adolf Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitler. Thirdly, and again in black, we have the death defying, canon screwing, lives on a space station Albert Wesker. And last but by no means least, in white, we have Stoner Jesus fighting on behalf of at least four different religions, white-washing history, and the best excuse for when sleeping with the milkman ends up in pregnancy. Who of these four combatants will come out on top of the grueling 5 round competition? Let’s not wait to find out and see how they do with the first event, BOWLING.
The ever-neurotic and oldest of the competitors, Chalres Darwin kicked off the proceedings poorly, blaming a number of gutter balls on the fact that he was ill with a ‘sniffle’. Jesus showed that even with the Lord on your side you can’t be guaranteed to beat the extra strength granted by viral mutations and Wesker took a very early lead with a string of strikes. After five frames it’s pretty close with fascist Austrian Adolf Hitler bringing up the rear, closely following naturalist Charles Darwin who in turn trails the messiah Jesus Christ. Albert Wesker leads by a slim margin of ten points. Sadly, Adolf just couldn’t get his game together in the second half and finished up last. The central figure of Christianity under performs throughout the later frames to come joint second with Charles Darwin. Perhaps, due to a slight advantage with mutagenic enhancements and that thing that makes his eyes glow red, Albert Wesker wins the first round by a good 40 points.
Visibly disappointed from a mediocre performance in bowling, Charles Darwin couldn’t get a decent jump in. He later went on to make a foul jump and the esteemed fellow of the Royal Society finished with a limp jump that ended up placing dead last. Despite being twenty years Darwin’s junior, Adolf Hitler, once Chancellor of Germany, only managed to put in two valid jumps, placing him just above Darwin. Research partner to William Birkin and former leader of S.T.A.R.S, Albert Wesker put in some solid jumps but just could not beat the pot head miracle-worker and prophet Jesus Christ who went on to place the highest. After the second round the fictional characters seem to have the slight edge in this competition. How will they fair at Golf?
The next event is a 9 hole course at the world famous Skull Island. The former dictator who was temporarily blinded by mustard gas in 1918 and who later went on to kill at least 12 million people couldn’t hold it together in the windy and wet climate of Skull Island and placed last yet again. Even the progenitor virus cannot guarantee an aptitude for the game of golf if the weather is against you, as Wesker discovered upon finishing third. Darwin, discoverer of the extinct armoured mammal Glyptodon, took an early lead but tragically, made a single mistake on the 7th hole allowing junkie Jesus, who died on the cross for all of our sins, an opportunity to draw level and finish the game joint first with a healthy overall score of -4 taking, the son of Mary into lead at the end of round 3.
Christ our Lord: 2
The karting event was a straight forward three lap race around Dry Dry Ruins. Getting off to a good start, Darwin, who spent a four year voyage on the HMS Beagle, lead for the first lap and a half with Hitler and Jesus fighting it out for second place. Wesker, who was kidnapped as a child and brainwashed into the service of Osel E.Spencer, remained stuck battling with the pack for most of the race, however, in a crucial moment mid way through the third lap managed to launch a blue shell that robbed Jesus, AKA son of god, AKA god itself, AKA the holy ghost, of a chance to take the lead. Perhaps with his experience of traveling in harsh conditions as part of his Beagle voyage, Darwin easily cruised to victory in the end. Round 4 results taking the father of evolution neck and neck overall with the red-eyed Jewish stepson of a carpenter, Jesus H. Christ.
Deciding round: Clay Pigeon Shooting
With the evil dictator Adolf Hitler and megalomaniac genius Albert Wesker lagging behind, the crowds’ attention was really on the joint leaders Darwin and Jesus. Could the scientist who married his cousin, find the strength to beat the man who once turned wine to water to the top spot? This battle had played out in many classrooms, courtrooms and internet chatrooms before but never has there been such an empirical measure of whether or not religion is better than science. The shooting competition would be held with 2 semi finals, the winner of each going on to play in the final. Lots were drawn, placing Jesus versus Darwin in one semi and Hitler versus Wesker in another. By the end of the first round Darwin or Jesus will know if his dream ends here…..
The first semi proved to be a skillful encounter, both Wesker and Hitler trained marksmen. Wesker as a former leader of S.T.A.R.S. and Hitler as a soldier in the first World War. The contest was close, as was anticipated, Wesker clinching the win over Hitler by a mere 5 points. In the second semi, Darwin faced off against Jesus, neither man known for their prowess with firearms or indeed violence. However, surprisingly, Darwin showed himself to be a highly skilled marksman, thrashing the son of our lord by 50 or so points.
Which meant that father of evolution, champion of rational thinking, science and beards Charles Darwin was only one more win away from silencing critics of evolution. Alternatively, Albert Wesker, a man of evil science, could out-shoot Chuck ending the competition with a rather unsatisfying three way draw between religion, good science, and science for the force of evil. However, Darwin’s hitherto unknown marksman prowess proved too much even for the combat veteran, who was last seen melting into the heart of a volcano, Albert Wesker. Despite his great age and the long list of ailments that plagued the scientist throughout his life he bested the son of god, the progenitor virus and even the fuhrer himself who turned out to be no kind of competitor in this forum.
Survival of the fittest or merely the ascent of man, one man, Darwin man. Whatever his origin story, it has been proven once and for all that Darwinism is better than religion, fascism and ummm biological experimentation? Make sure you join us next week to see who can prove that their ideology is the best. Will it be Islamist creationist Adnan Oktar? Or will communist, Karl Marx succeed. Will Gotham City’s caped crusader strike a blow for money, justice and gadgets or will millionaire and nuclear power plant owner Charles Montgomery Burns win the day?
* In the interests of fairness, each of these competitions was procedurally ‘played out’ with no particular favouritism for any competitor. Anyone who knows me will vouch that I am a Resident Evil loving, Christian, fascist, evolutionary biologist so I was always going to win, as it were.