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Who is the best video game mascot? Mario some would answer, but they’d be stupid and wrong. Mario is overweight, and obesity is a large problem in America. If you enjoy Mario’s plump antics, you obviously don’t enjoy America or freedom. Besides, fat people will only lose weight if society makes it clear they are utterly worthless as they are now.

Sonic is another obvious choice, but he is bright blue and for children. Have you ever seen his cartoon show? Not the over serious ABC piece of crap, but the one with terrible drawings and life lessons at the end of each episode. While it’s respectable that his ultimate goal is to beat up a fat guy, he saves too many animals and cares too much about the planet on his journey. Sonic is a good choice for a six year old vegan, but not men like us.

Lara Croft is another popular pick. She is strong, athletic, smart, funny, and most importantly, has breasts bigger than her head. Who wouldn’t want a woman like that (assuming the brains and humor are toned down, no one needs a girlfriend who talks)? There is one key problem that immediately eliminates her from this race, though. She is a woman, and women are inferior to men. Next.

Crash Bandicoot is a man, but did you know that, scientifically speaking, a bandicoot isn’t even a family? It refers only to the order and can include 20 different species. Crash is a good mascot in all other regards, but we cannot allow his designer’s shoddy scientific research to mar the image of video games. I mean, is Crash a Golden Bandicoot, a Northern Brown Bandicoot, a Long-Nosed Bandicoot, a New Guinea mouse bandicoot? For Christ’s sake, at least tell us his genus! I’m also not keen on him being a marsupial. Scientists say they are mammals but anyone who’s seen that video of the kangaroo punching a guy should know not to trust a marsupial.

Cloud? Gay. Master Chief? I call no one my master who’s no closer then a stranger. King of All Cosmos? Gay. So then who is left? The one and only Segata Sanshiro, of course. Segata’s name is a clever pun (if you speak Japanese). His name sounds like Sega Saturn shiro, which means something along the lines of, “Play Saturn!” and is a takeoff of the famous Sugata Sanshiro, who is apparently some Judo guy.

The last Saturn game was a puzzle title that starred Segata.

More importantly than what his name means is what he does. Anywhere people are not playing video games, he is there to beat them up. Video games are more important than your friends and family, he says with a mighty judo throw. Finally, a role model with the guts to stand against exercise and socializing. Had the Segata commercials aired in America, the Saturn would’ve been a smashing success (not really). They wouldn’t have even required translation because Segata speaks the international language: violence.

Here for your viewing pleasure are a bunch of Segata Sanshiro commercials I have stolen from other websites. Now this is what a real mascot looks like (and it’s OK for you to cry a little bit when watching his last commercial, as long as you don’t ever admit it):

*You may need DivX or Real Audio, which sucks, to watch some of these

Bomberman Fight – Awesomeness rating: ***
Some baseball game – Awesomeness rating: *
Burning Rangers – Awesomeness rating: **
Christmas commercial – Awesomeness rating: ***
Deep Fear – Awesomeness rating: *
Dragon Force 2 – Awesomeness rating: ***
Greatest Nine 98 – Awesomeness rating: ****
House of the Dead – Awesomeness rating: ****
Panzer Dragoon Saga – Awesomeness rating: *
Sakura Taisen 2 – Awesomeness rating: **
Shining Force 3 – Awesomeness rating: ****
Soccer RPG – Awesomeness rating: ****
Solo Crisis – Awesomeness rating: **
Sonic R – Awesomeness rating: ***
Wachenroder – Awesomeness rating: *
Winter Heat – Awesomeness rating: ****
World Cup 98 – Awesomeness rating: ****
Segata Sanshiro’s final commercial – Awesomeness rating: *****************
Yes, that was Sony who launched the missile.

Play

2 Comments

  1. Christian said on June 16, 2006:

    I’ve known of these ads for years, and have seen quite a few of them. All this time I waited to see who Segata was, and it turns out I already knew. Why the hell didn’t I realize earlier?

    Oh, and “starred” is misspelled. I’m totally getting fired now aren’t I…

  2. jay said on June 16, 2006:

    I thought I fixed that. And yes.

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