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The Videolamer game

posted on June 21st, 2006 by jay

Last night I took a 20 minute break from my busy work day and designed a Videolamer video game. It’s going to star the lamer guy (look at the top of the page, that stunning svelte green man is the lamer guy) in a Zelda-esque adventure.

The plot is something along the lines of the lamer guy jumps out of a monitor, leaves your bedroom (YES, YOUR BEDROOM!) and ends up in a randomly thrown together fantasy world full with Porn Hell (you’ll have to wait and see). I really can’t reveal too much because I don’t know how many rival designers are reading (according to my stat counter, four people have been here in the last week, but I assume the hundreds of designers who visit don’t use cookies).

And when I say I designed a game, I mean I drew a map. Something the common folk don’t know is that drawing a map is really 97% of what designing a game is. All I really need to do now is sit back, have a Watermelon Baccardi Breezer, and watch the artists and programmers toil. Sure, my wrist may get sore from cracking the whip and my voice strained from all the inevitable screaming, but the vast majority of my work is done.

Who will do the art? I figure I can just steal backgrounds from other games. The only thing that really needs drawing is the lamer character. We already have him sitting and in a variety of poses from other games, so the rest of the animation should take half an hour tops. I plan to ask this little girl Julia I met in the Target dressing room. She showed me her stuff and I really think she can capture the emotional tone I’m looking for.

Anyone who says the shading in this drawing isn’t masterful is a fucking liar.

As for programming, I think I’ll get Christian to do it. I haven’t told him yet (I guess I have now) but I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to have a chance to work with a visionary. The game will be done in RPG Maker XP so I hope he knows Ruby and speaks fluent Japanese. Or maybe the Neverwinter Nights engine. Ohhh, the lamer character in full 3D, that’d be awesome. I may have to see if Julia’s older sister can help on the project. The drawing Julia did of that horse was very good, but I’m not sure she can handle 3D.

I am undecided on what to do for the battle system. Maybe there won’t even be a battle system. Afterall, games with no gameplay are the wave of the future. This will also cut down on the man power needed to make the game. OK, Christian, you’re fired. I never really felt your heart was with the project anyway.

If everything goes according to plan, and when has game design not, I should be uploading a finished 35 hour game by the end of the week. It’ll be free to download but after every six steps you take the game will remind you of how generous I am for giving you this once in a lifetime experience for free through a seamless pop up window that crashes whatever browser you last used (if necessary, it’ll start the browser then break it). I’ll be taking preorders for the PS3 sequel starting tomorrow.

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