Ah, creativity. Useless, overrated creativity.
Once, back in the past, a man had an original idea and he took it and he made a form of mass media out of it and people loved it. They loved it so much that they decided he shouldn’t work on finding something new to give them, he should instead work on more of what they loved.
And thus we were given The Odyssey. And The Odyssey was just as successful and lucrative as the first. This opened the eyes of the creative people, who would often struggle for long periods of time trying to make something new. Creative people did not have to be creative all the time. They just had to be creative once and willing to cash in on that one flash of brilliance as much as humanly possible!
Flash forward to the twenty-first century, a time of robots and warfare and nuclear doom and genetic modifications and food shortages and energy wars. Sequels are all humanity has left. Everything that anyone has thought in our lifetimes has been thought of before. All things that exist, from the smallest of atoms to the largest of black holes, are now nothing more than bleak sequels. Indeed, all of us are nothing more than foundering sequels of our own parents, who are nothing more than mere husks of their predecessors.
THE FUTURE OF GAMING IS STRAIGHT-TO-SEQUEL PROGRAMMING. Screw new control schemes, motion capturing, true 3d, better graphics, deeper plots, better AI. The true next big thing is games that are sequels to games that don’t even exist. This helps to eliminate the one truly hard thing in the creative process: Having a creative thought. By skipping this sometimes dealbreaking hurdle, we now can just turn on the profit hose and drink mightily from its sweet, sweet nectar.
We in the press have already caught on. The most prestigious of gaming awards are actually given out to games before they are released. By merely mentioning a game in the right way, it becomes an award-winning hype machine just ready to explode into an entire universe of poorly developed tie-in products for us to enjoy! And the magic of writing sequel reviews is that they are easy: Just compare that sumbitch to the first one and call it a day! And once we get rid of actual prequels and move on to straight-to-sequel programming, then those of us who review games will only have to imagine what it might be like compared to the first one. And since all we do in the first place is tick off bullet points that are given to us by the game manufacturers in the months and months of advertisement that comes before any game release, we won’t even have to be imaginative. If the developers say that the controls are better and that there is over 80 more hours of gameplay in the sequel to the game that doesn’t exist, then they must be right! FIVE STARS! I LOVE YOU BUNGIE SEND ME FREE STUFF!
Such life-like AI!
I’m already stoked for Grand Theft Auto Neo-Tokyo 2. I cannot fucking wait for Duke Nukem Forever 3: Platinum Game of the Year Edition. And who here doesn’t want The Elder Scrolls VII right now? I mean, have you seen the screenshots? Me neither, because they don’t even exist yet! But can you imagine?
We don’t need new genres. Screw new gameplay features. What we need is more sequels now for games we don’t even know we need more sequels of. How surprised will we all be when they announce World of Starcraft 2?!? How good would that make all of us feel. Damned good, that’s for sure.
And if sequels are the future of gaming, then the future is now. So we’ve written our own future destinies in the past that are affecting the present! Time paradoxes up in this shit! Woooo!
Welcome to the magical post-E3 world. Welcome to the year of Max Payne 3, Final Fantasy 13, Left 4 Dead 2, Lego Rock Band, DJ Hero, Super Mario Galaxy 2, Mass Effect 2, Assassin’s Creed 2, Katamari Damacy 3, Tekken 6, Modern Warfare 2, Mafia 2, Dead Rising 2, Forza Motorsport 3, Battlefield: Bad Company 2, The Beatles: Rock Band, Lost Planet 2, Zelda Spirit Tracks, Crackdown 2, Splinter Cell Conviction, Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2, Uncharted 2, Guitar Hero 5, Red Steel 2, God of War 3, King of Fighters XIII, Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker, Overlord 2, Hearts of Iron 3, Wolfenstein Beyond Comprehension, Guitar Hero 5, Castlevania Lord of Shadow, Endless Ocean 2, Motorstorm: Arctic Edge, Just Cause 2, Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2, Dead to Rights: Retribution, Wii Fit Plus, Silent Hill Shattered Memories, Sin and Punishment 2, Soul Caliber: Broken Destiny, Wii Sports Resort, Gran Turismo 5, Crysis 2, and No More Heroes 2.
Enjoy your stay.