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Weekly News We Care About Wrap Up – 12.22.06

posted on December 22nd, 2006 by jay

Resident Evil 5 not coming in ‘07
1up has reported that the next proper sequel in the Resident Evil franchise will be coming in 2008, if not later. I don’t know where I’ll be living or working in six months and I’m supposed to care about a game that may not be out for three years? Human life probably won’t even exist by that point, and if it does, we will surely have evolved gills and other radical changes that will make gaming obsolete. Capcom might as well just say that Resident Evil 5 is never coming out.

Good games coming to the Virtual Console this Christmas
Some people have bitched about the low quality of Virtual Console titles. For every Zelda, Nintendo gives us a Solomon’s Key, Altered Beast and Tennis. They tell us that the VC will offer select gems but it is apparent that they’ll offer any crappy game they can get a license to.

Thanks for giving us games that sucked 20 years ago, Nintendo.

There is at least good news. Call it a Christmas miracle if you will — Five excellent games will be coming out this Monday. Super Mario Brothers (which you already own in seventeen forms), Street Fighter 2, Toejam and Earl, Super Castlevania, and R Type all in one day! Why no one at Nintendo though, “Wait, shouldn’t we release a great game once a week instead of blowing them all now?” is unknown, but we can only assume the weeks after Christmas will be chock full of Shaq Fu and Mario is Missing.

Islamic group asks Wal-Mart to drop Left Behind
I don’t like stores pulling things from shelves based on supposed ethical considerations. Why should any rational person care that there is a Left Behind game but not care that there is a Left Behind book and movie series? Even worse than fantasy land violence, there are books that prompt us to kill unbelievers, stone adulterers, and advocate genocide that no one seems particularly upset about.

If Wal-Mart is planning to pull anything, I hope it’s that stupid Politically Incorrect Guide to Darwinism and Intelligent Design book. It’s much more offensive than Left Behind because it’s not as obviously absurd.

Virtua Fighter 5 coming to the 360
Grand Theft Auto 4 is no longer a PS3 exclusive, I believe Resident Evil 5 will be coming to the 360, rumors are everywhere about Metal Gear Solid 4 not being exclusive, Dragon Quest IX will be on the DS and now Virtua Fighter 5 will be on the 360. There are very few compelling reasons to buy a PS3 and every few weeks there seem to be fewer.

Nintendo sued over crappy weak straps
Last week I was one of the majority of gamers who scoffed at any moron retarded enough to break a strap and throw their controller through a television. Now that I have witnessed a strap break, and the remote fly through a Christmas tree and destroy several ornaments, I still completely agree with the majority. The controller’s strap broke because a friend of mine kicked another friend while he was bowling in an attempt to “psych him out.” It turns out being physically attacked does have a mental affect.

Even if a lawsuit is frivolous and the broken straps can be traced to people being idiots, it’s surprising Nintendo released such weak straps in the first place. Most of the Sports games respond to velocity and therefore encourage players to put some oomph into their actions. The rubber band thick straps must have been a result of some actuarial calculation on the cost of potential lawsuits versus cost of making functioning straps.

I don’t speak Spanish, but I assume this is hilarious.

Phil Harrison speaks to MTV
Mr. Harrison thinks we need games with adult themes. I agree. He thinks adult themes are “fear, comedy, death, peril” and “drug offenses.” I…sort of agree? There are a billion games about fear, death and peril. And drug offenses are not mature any more than pornography is mature. People seem to confuse “inappropriate for children” with “mature.” A game that taps into our every day fear of social embarrassment, deals with love and relationships in a three dimensional manner, or with the implications of psychological abuse are mature. Games with blood and guts are obscene (and very fun). These are different things.

Harrison also says that no game will use 100% of the PS3s power. The jaw-droppingly obvious follow up question is: “Couldn’t you have made a machine developers could use all of and sold it for $100 less?” Close runner up questions include: “Why are you proud that the Cell is incredibly difficult to work with?” and “Why do you always use the same press photo?”

New Lara Croft to be sexually attractive
“…if you felt you were in love with Lara Croft previously, you ain’t seen nothing yet. You’ll be drooling when you see the new Lara as she appears in the next iteration.”

– Creepy guy from Eidos

This is weird on many levels. 1. Games should probably be marketed based on gameplay, not how “in love” I am with the main character. 2. People who drool over video game characters have mental problems that need to be addressed by a professional. 3. High ranking employees at multinational corporations should know not to use the contraction of “am” and “not” in place of “haven’t.”

5 Comments

  1. matt said on December 22, 2006:

    just commented with my wii! we do live in some crazy times, don’t we?

  2. GoldenJew said on December 23, 2006:

    Woah woah woah.  Were you talking trash about Altered Beast?  Don’t make me "power up" and beat the ever living crap out of you.

  3. GoldenJew said on December 23, 2006:

    Also, for the record, I am confused as to how someone kicking someone else caused the tensile strength of the Wii to fail.  I’m pretty sure it happened coincidentally.  And was absolutely hilarious.  Because it wasn’t my Wii, TV, or tree.

  4. Christian said on December 23, 2006:

    You know what?  Count me in for Mario Bros. on Christmas.  Despite all the jokes, I’ve only owned the game twice in all my life, and one of those is Mario All Stars. Add in my brother’s copy on the Game Boy Color, and that’s 3 of them, only one being the true, original version.  Mario and Toejam sound like a good little bundle for me come Christmas morn.

  5. jay said on December 23, 2006:

    The kick didn’t do anything directly to the strap. Andy just let go of the controller mid bowl as a natural reaction to being kicked. So if you aren’t screwing around (or being kicked) you probably won’t throw the controller. Still, knowing the strap doesn’t actually keep the controller from being thrown makes it pretty useless. Who cares about a dropped remote at a standstill? It certainly won’t do any damage to the controller, since the one that went into the TV then through the tree still works fine.

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