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Weekly News We Care About Wrap Up – 7.14.06

posted on July 14th, 2006 by jay

Breaking news: Microsoft not doing well in Japan
This is the only strategy MS needs for the Japanese market:

We all know Japan hates outsiders, especially those with a wider range of vision — called Xeyenophpbia (that’s why they bombed Pearl Harbor, look it up). We also know they seem to have some sort of averse reaction to nuclear bombs. And finally, we understand that all Japanese people would gladly die for the Final Fantasy series.

Now, Microsoft first needs to befriend Kim Jong Il (the heart-throb of North Korea). I’d recommend buying a movie studio or two to speed up the relationship, or maybe give him a few billion of Warren Buffet’s dollars. At this point, do the world a favor and fire J Allard. Replace him with Kim Jong Il. With Kim as MS’s public face, the Japanese will be lulled into a false sense of security (they won’t be able to look past the slanted eyes to see the insanity).

Those pouty lips get me so hot.

The next step is for MS to snag a few nukes while Jun is in Japan campaigning for Grand Theft Auto 4. This will also earn the gratitude of the US government and guarantee there is no more of that “your monopoly is illegal” shit. Make sure to take at least two nukes.

With nukes in hand, MS then bombs mainland China. Where ever the most game pirates are. Say Hong Kong. They’d argue they’re not mainland or China, but its close enough. Some people will wonder why MS shouldn’t bomb Japan and the reason is simple — fewer potential customers.

So now Hong Kong is a wasteland, Japan knows Peter Moore means business, and Microsoft still has at least another missile left (you did take more than one from Kim’s pot, porn and nuke stash, didn’t you?) Threaten to strike the Squeenix headquarters. Japan as a whole will lie down and accept any terms of defeat offered.

At this point, Microsoft should send in a small occupying force to seize control of Japan’s government. Among its new policies — every Monday is National Buy and Xbox game day. Problem solved. The Xbox sells and MS also expands their headquarters by 145,883 square miles.

Phil Harrison doesn’t think Sony is arrogant
Phil is one of my (many) mortal enemies and it just so happens I compiled some of his best quotes and posted them right here. Phil is a douche bag. He may be more talented, successful, and smell less than I, but he is still a douche bag. You see, I don’t lie in public. And when I do, it’s just posted on a tiny little site no one gives a shit about. My lies reach dozens of people, his reach possibly millions. He also makes a lot more.

Violent crime may not pay, but amorality seems to be the road to success (fine, so lying for your employer may be immoral, not amoral. But if he is willing to kill for Sony, then perhaps he is amoral. We’ll have to wait and see if any Microsoft employees wash up on the Hudson.)

These animals are different than other movie animals. These animals have attitude.

US game sales up
The DSLite is selling well, go America! Wait, what’s this? Over the Hegde? Cars? The Official X Men game? Ugh. Well, Madonna sells more CDs then Metallica, and we all know who is better (that was a trick question, the correct answer is: the Real McCoy). I think all video game enthusiasts should realize that arguing by force of numbers is nearly useless. We all want our systems to do well because that will result in more games coming out for them, but vague intangible terms like “best” should never rely on sales figures, despite what Sony says.

What religion is the most popular in the world? Christianity. Now which religion is the “best”? That’s right, Scientology. Yet relatively few know of the thetans who reside within us and our evolutionary connection to clams.

Where was I? Oh yeah, numbers don’t always indicate what systems and games are “better.” McDonalds food makes me ill, yet millions eat there daily. Is McDonalds good? No, everyone but me is stupid and wrong.

Sony hit with semiconductor suit
Sony detractors likely see this lawsuit as another example of the rampant evil Sony has promised Satan they would practice whenever possible. Sony fans probably see the case as another example of a frivolous lawsuit brought about by a small company trying to get something for nothing. The trial will get to the bottom of the situation. Well, maybe. The system doesn’t always work, so it looks like only L. Ron will ever know the truth.

EA pledges Wii support
Hot damn, look at all of these new titles! Madden NFL, Need for Speed, Harry Potter, Tiger Woods PGA TOUR, SSX and The Godfather franchises! That’s zero new ideas and zero games I would ever buy. This is exactly the same old conveyor belt game design a new system trying something different needs. I hope the new Madden has slightly better graphics and, dare I wish, an updated player roster.

Romero’s new studio
Slipgate Ironworks will make you its bitch. My friend and roommate went to school with Romero and was good friends with a good friend of his. Thus, by knowing a guy who knows a guy who knows Romero, I feel like I know Romero. This isn’t really news as much as me bragging about knowing famous people. Oh, I also saw the Clinton’s in an Indian restaurant. That’s right, you’re jealous.

2 Comments

  1. Dan said on July 14, 2006:

    I hope the president knows about your MS-Japan plan. Well, the president might not know what you are talking about, but good ole dicky is always up for something like that.

  2. Staticneuron said on July 15, 2006:

    Are you out of your mind?!?!?

    MS and korea threaten japan and they will counterattack with patlabors and godzilla. If MS really tosses a nuke at them then they will summon both voltron and Gundam Wing Alpha to take out the nukes and any further airborne threats. Last but not least america will get drug into a landwar with japan in which we will lose because they have pokemon and the cast members of naruto.

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